Amy IM's therapy.

Confessions Of A Teenage Drama(less) Queen

I dont go to church or do any religious confessions, but I like the idea of spilling your guts every once in awhile to a crowd consisting of no one. Except Dan, if he reads this. So here are 15 3 things I'd like to 'confess' in no particular order.

1. I should have dropped out of IB while I still had the chance, or never have gone into it at all. Thanks to IB (and school in general) I have little to no interest in some of my best/favorite subjects such as math, science, band, psychology, and foreign language. Not to mention it ruins every holiday, and has little to no impact on my future (since Im doing so poorly anyways).

2. Im so used to being depressed, when Im happy, I look for something to get upset about, or else I feel really weird.

3. I have major trust issues. Ive given my complete trust to many people, just to have it torn to shreds each time. So its hard for me to trust people who I probably should trust.  

And I want to tell you

It's this feeling I have

like nothing you'd expect. You

only have the slightest clue how

very into you I am, and

everyword you say, everything

you do stays in the back of my mind like

odd little notes reminding me of my

underlying feelings for you.

Currently Like Vines By The Hush Sound see related

And I want you to know

It’s on the tip of my tongue,

leaning against the back of my teeth. If I

open my mouth, it’s all going to fall out

very quickly until

every word hits the ground like

you’ve never heard before.

only this time around, I mean it

unconditionally, for sure.

Currently Best of Haddaway: What Is Love By Haddaway see related

A red sun rises, blood has been spilled this night.

Ahh, Legolas! I really wanted to title this with a different quote, but I like Legolas better than the other characters, so Im staying loyal. Maybe for my next blog. We'll see.

Anywho, I lied. Im not going to write about my future, since I can sum it up in one sentance:

Je ne sais pas!

So I guess I did write about it and didnt lie after all. Take that, people who arent actually reading this!

Well, now that thats taken care of, I've changed my blog from future to love, since its a more relevant topic to me currently.

I suppose I've been in the whole, thinking mood lately, for whatever reason. Im not quite sure why, but it probably had something to do with the break-up and all the thoughts and emotions that were stirred up afterwards. But why its there doesnt matter, as long as I do something constructive with it, right? So my first thought,

• Have I ever actually been in love? Which leads me to,
• How the hell would I know? Which leads me to..
• What is love? (besides a great 90's song by Haddaway!)

So I'll start with my first thought. Have I ever actually been in love?

Maybe, Im not quite sure anymore. At the time I definately thought I was. It all started off with him saying that he loved me. And at the time, I had liked him more than my previous boyfriend. I thought, maybe this is it? So I replied with an I love you too. That was before we were even dating. My feelings for him grew over the first 7 months, until the Hawaii incedent, after which he began feeling indifferent about our relationship. After that, we were never quite the same. And I dont think I felt the same towards him after that either; it just wasnt quite the spark I thought we had before. Before we were inseperable, and he promised me so many things. But he never quite treated me like he truly loved me, and everything he did always had to benefit him in someway. I always told myself that I was, but now Im thinking Im not so sure. I mean, I moved on in less than a week? And the feelings I have for my new boyfriend are a lot stronger than a very large portion than the ones I had for someone that I "loved"? Not to mention I dont even remember what I felt for him completely, it feels like it never happened. It doesnt quite make sense to me. So Im thinking that I just liked him a hell of a lot, and that if he wouldve been a better person, I wouldve loved him. Maybe, if it works like that.

How the hell would I know?

I suppose I can just make an educated guess based on my feelings from previous relationships versus my current feelings for boyfriend, plus all the things I like about him, minus all the things I dont, plus all the things Im looking for in a guy that he has, no penalty for the things I can live without, minus all the things I cant live without that he doesnt have = love. Um, I think I just turned love into a math problem? Nerd much? So I typed it up and everything, but its in Word '07 so it wont copy and paste into here unfortunately. Boo. Well I can type it..crappily? Basically, L = the change in f + (I^+ + P^+) - (I^- - P^-) and then divide your answer by 5. It looks a lot better in Word, Id have to say. If L is around 25 or so, Id assume its love, or damn close (By my standards. Answers will differ depending on how you put them in, but it works for me.).  Lets put Dan into the equation! (Start: 8:02pm. End: 8:15pm). Hmm, interesting results. I dont think Ill take my math problem too seriously though. Either way, Im not going to post the number. Hehe :P

What is Love?

Is a very good song in my opinion. Which I am now listening to to get me into the whatislove? mood, I think. Anyways. Love is equal to the above stated math problem. But, the general gist I get from other people who dont believe in math is that, love is..the kiss you want for the rest of your life.   

All of a sudden I feel entirely too lazy to finish my thought. Great job. But another important question is: Is there such a thing as too soon? I personally dont think that the length of the relationship has any effect on love, but some people do.

So I googled the meaning of love, and found:

http://home.att.net/~scorh2/MeaningOfLove.html

And, if you have 7 out of 9 of these, then you probably are:

Or most/all of these 12:

1. You can't help but smile when you see her/him and s/he is always smiling back.
2. You feel comfortable and secure in the relationship and really trust your partner not to hurt you; ie, there is no need for jealousy or suspicion.
3. There have been good times and bad times and through, or in spite of, them all you have remained together.
4. There are no major dramas in the relationship; ie, you do not test one anothers love, engage in relationship foiling gossip or feel the need to play games.
5. You each do kind and thoughtful things for the other "just because" and doing them makes both people feel good.
6. Outside pressures are few and far between; there are none or only minor issues with peers, friends, family and teachers.
7. There is no violence in the relationship at all -- NONE!
8. You enhance one another, neither one of you presses the other to do things that may lead to harm or that the other is opposed to doing.
9. The things that make you different do not push you apart; ie, different religions, cultural backgrounds or personal beliefs.
10. There is no sacrifice, only compromise.
11. Sex or no sex: it doesn't matter, either way it isn't an issue and nobody has been pressured to do something they weren't ready to do.
12. You know that everything you feel is returned in kind by your partner.

Yes, I am being too lazy to write my own blog. But these things bring up some good points you know.

But anyways. Basically, I know what I feel for him. And I know what I want. But I dont know what the future holds and I dont want to put any extra emphasis/pressure on the love thing, because then its less...real, I think. I just dont want to keep telling myself that he'll fall in love with me, etc, if I know theres an equal chance that it wont happen. Or, if he does, what happens if he falls out of love? Id be heartbroken, but it wouldnt be the first time I suppose. If he ever does fall in love, I hope he will tell me. And if it doesnt, then it wasnt meant to be, and thats okay too.

I just want to be happy, I suppose is what it all comes down to.